


Betrayal Cuts Like a Knife

by peace_wisepenguin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Azkaban, Dementors, Depression, Flashbacks, Ghosts of the Past - Freeform, HP UnHappily Ever After Fest 2020, M/M, Mild Language, Minor Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Psychological Trauma, Sirius Black as Padfoot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:47:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24394507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peace_wisepenguin/pseuds/peace_wisepenguin
Summary: Sirius' experience in Azkaban and his struggle to keep his memories and deal with his best friends' betrayal while the dementors visit and try to take away his happiness.
Relationships: Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 20
Collections: HP UnHappily Ever After Fest 2020





	1. Conviction

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to thank Aamina, my terrific Beta. I cannot say enough about this wonderful human being!! Thank you, thank you for working with me and criticizing me where I needed it and building my confidence when I needed it. You truly are a gift.

The dirty walls are wet with moisture and the cold seeps into Sirius' veins. It is dead quiet in the cell Sirius is temporarily being held in. He sits there, alone thinking of the last few days. He had just confronted Peter yesterday wanting to avenge James and Lily, he wanted to rip the little rat's head off. Somehow Peter was two steps ahead of him, and now here he is sitting, alone in a cell, his brother, James, dead. Lily. Gone. Harry. An orphan. Remus. Left all alone. For what? For Peter's safety...How could he be so selfish? A big brutish man comes to open the cell. "Times up Black." He says as he uses his wand to place shackles around Sirius wrists and ankles and leads him to a room just outside of the room full of cells.

He’s led to a chair in the middle of the room and is pushed down into a sitting position. He looks at the "audience" of people, hoping to see Remus, to get one last glance, so that he can tell him that he's innocent. The only one sitting there, however, is Albus Dumbledore. Sirius' heart falls to the floor as he yearns to see Remus but instead sees the man he blames for all of this. If it wasn't for Dumbledore, they would have never joined The Order, James and Lily would never have gone into hiding, Remus and Sirius would still be together. Dumbledore had started this path down to hell, and here Sirius sits, waiting to give his side of the story, to tell them about the secret he'd thought was going to protect his family, not kill them.

Barty Crouch Sr. sits in a throne-like chair, he glowers down at Sirius. "You have been accused of 13 counts of murder using a blasting charm and using magic in the presence of muggles." 

'That's what you're ending with?' Sirius thinks as Crouch goes on, "You have also been charged as an accomplice to murder with the betrayal of," he clears his throat and looks down at a piece of parchment in front of him, "the Potters, James and Lily. Albus Dumbledore has already testified that you were their secret keeper and therefore you have been proved guilty."

"WHAT!? What about my side!?!" Sirius struggles to stand but an immediate stunning charm hits him straight in the chest and he falls back into the chair.

"Do not speak. Filth!!" Mr. Crouch yells. "You are punished with a lifetime sentence to Azkaban. Take him away." Crouch picks up his papers and gestures to the guards to take Sirius away. He turns to leave as if he had just come to water his plants, not showing any signs that he had just convicted a man without any trial. Sirius tries to say something to Dumbledore, but the stunning charm has left him motionless. He sees Dumbledore give him his classic, 'I am very disappointed' look, which Sirius is already very familiar with. The brutish man from earlier comes up to move Sirius out of the chair and hits Sirius in the head, the man’s face is looking down on him and smiling as the image slowly fades and Sirius passes out.

****


	2. The Cell in the Sea

Sirius feels his body swaying back and forth and as he starts to feel a blistering headache, he starts to remember what was happening. He opens his eyes slowly and the cold metal beneath him is starting to become more apparent. As the scene before him starts to reveal itself, he sees other witches and wizards, sitting along the other side of the room which swayed like...'a ship' he thinks to himself. 

"Oi Black!! Finally awake I see. Who knew you were undercover the whole time?” Sirius knows that voice. It was Anton Dolohov.

"Sod off, you sad excuse for a man." Sirius says, not his best insult but he did just wake from being knocked out.

Dolohov laughs, "That's the best you got? No wonder the Dark Lord didn't want to tell anyone about you."

"I never helped that fucker. I'm innocent." Sirius says and looks around at the few people on the ship with him who all start to laugh at his claim. "It's true!"

"Sure mate. We're all innocent here. I would never hurt a fly." Dolohov couldn't even get through his sentence with a straight face. "I'm surprised to be honest, all of us were. I never imagined The Dark Lord would want to work with a faggot like you."  
Sirius made a move to jump Dolohov but the chains around his wrists and ankles held him back and magically tightened, sending bursts of pain throughout his body. He squealed at the sudden jolt of electricity that was coursing through his body.  
"Shouldn't make any sudden moves. The chains will punish you." An unrecognizable woman in the corner mumbles.  
"Thanks." He spouts out. Wanting to say something more along the lines of 'NO SHIT' but he thought against it, seeing as he probably is the only innocent person here, he shouldn't start any more trouble. All is quiet until they reach their destination. 

Sirius is carted along with the other prisoners onto the island in the middle of the North Sea. He's only seen artists' depictions of it, but there was no way someone could depict such a place. The tower seemed to reach up to the sky, a never ending tower that even the sun didn’t dare touch. The wind whipped through the air like tiny icicles prickling every inch of Sirius’ body and as he looked around at the waves crashing against the jagged rocks that surrounded the prison, all he felt was a hollow pit in his stomach, as if he were falling from the top of the tower into a pit of nothingness. He can feel the pain and despair just stepping off of the ship and onto the land. He was barefoot and could feel the sharp sand between his toes. A hand shoved into his back, pushing him forward. "Move Black, we aren't on holiday." The guard says as Sirius almost falls to his knees.

They are all taken into a room and told to strip. There are five other men and two women, all looking at each other, waiting for someone to follow the directions. After no one moves one of the guards yells again for them to remove their clothes and smacks one of the women standing there, who, to Sirius, just seems scared to strip in a room full of men. 

As the woman falls to the floor, the other woman starts to undress immediately, and the rest of the men follow suit. Some of the men undress slowly, being too busy staring at the women who seemed to be trying to hide behind their arms and legs. One of the men even said under his breath, "nice tits." Sirius is the first of the men to be completely undressed and waits, as the guards filter out of the room, to wake up from this horrible nightmare.

He is woken up, though not in the way he hopes; a strong gust of water comes out of nowhere and flushes over Sirius and his fellow inmates. The water hits hard, like knives stabbing all over his body. He shivers and wraps himself in his own arms, trying to stay warm and avoid being pricked by the harsh ice-cold water that has overtaken the room.

The guard, who Sirius feels, keeps picking on him comes into the room after the water dissipates. "Now that you've all had the last bath you'll ever get, you can dress." He turns and walks out slamming the door behind him. All the prisoners are still standing there naked and now soaked and freezing.

"All our clothes have disappeared!! What are we supposed to put on?" One of the women screams. Suddenly a pile of robes presents themselves in the middle of the room. 

"At least they're dry." Dolohov remarks as he picks up one of the robes and smells it. His face scrunches up and looks at the fabric, disgusted, "not clean...but dry." 

Sirius picks one up as well, he has blood stains all over it. "Not clean in the slightest." He says to himself.

"Guess we've got to get used to not having house elves around...oh yes, you should be used to that Black. Weren't you living with that mudblood Lupin? You must've been miserable. You truly are the best of us Black."

Sirius has no words. Dolohov was trying to get under his skin, and it worked. He didn't like being insulted, but when someone insulted Remus...

Sirius was stunned again as he fell to the floor, still wet and naked. He landed on the wet floor with a bang, not being able to move but he could see in his line of sight. Dolohov also lies on the floor, his nose bleeding from Sirius' fist connecting as hard as he could with Dolohov's aristocratic face. If Sirius could move, he'd smile.

After he starts to regain feeling in his fingertips, he starts to feel the rest of his body recovering as well. All the other prisoners had been taken away. He is still lying there alone, and once he feels enough strength to sit up, the guard comes in and grabs him by his curly black hair, pulling him to his feet. Sirius has a difficult time finding his footing, but he knows that if he falters, the man will beat him. He locks his knees and prays to keep his balance.

A robe is thrown at his face and the smell overwhelms his animalistic senses and he starts to gag. Bending over and coughing he grasps the rough feeling robe and slips it on covering his naked body. It feels like sandpaper on his silky-smooth skin.

The guard walks him out of the room, chains attached to his wrists and ankles again. He walks him past some of the other cells and he hears cat calls as he walks by, some people screaming at him, calling him a traitor, some calling him a hero. 'These people have got to be some of the dumbest people on the planet.' He thinks and then realizes he's in here with them...but he's different...

They finally stop at an open cell door with one single opening in the middle that looks big enough that they may use it to slip food through. He's heard stories about the cells in Azkaban, he notices that there are no locks on the barred doors and the guard notices. "Don't even think about it. The dementors will have you in less than a second." Sirius looks away from the door onto the dirty floor and everything around him is suddenly moving swiftly as he's shoved into the cell. He falls to the floor and scrapes his elbow on the rough floor. "Have a nice life, Black." The guard says laughing as he slams the cold metal door shut and the sound of his footsteps drift off into the distance.

He looks around the tiny room, he can barely stretch out his legs. He sees a sliver of light and looks up, there is a tiny window the size of his face. Too small to fit through he looks out and smells the sea and has a perfect view of the waning crescent moon.


	3. The Ones I've Loved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify, Sirius' memories are in bold italics.

Sirius starts to feel the warmth from the sliver of sun that must be coming through his tiny window, 'if a window is what you'd call it.' He thinks to himself. He opens his eyes and wipes away the sleep. The first morning in his cell, he thinks about the past week. His whole life has changed so drastically in just a few days. He thinks of just one week ago, his last memory of James, they were talking on their two-way mirrors. He remembers every detail.

**_Sirius is in the kitchen of his flat, making eggs for Remus. He was just starting to feel better after the full moon and Sirius liked to make him a full breakfast after to help get Remus feel back to normal. He feels something in his pocket and pulls out a sliver of a mirror. He sees James with Harry, sitting on his lap._**

**_"I've tried to balance the mirror so you can see both of us, can you?" James asks as Harry pulls his glasses from his face. "No, Harry. I need those to see."_ **

**_Sirius laughs. "Yes, hopefully Lily's vision comes along with those green eyes." He smiles at the mirror, "'Ello Harry!!" he says with a huge grin, ignoring James and then yelling behind his shoulder, "Remus come say hi to Harry!!" He turns back to the mirror, "So how's isolation going?"_ **

**_"Fucking sucks mate!!" James says and begins to wince as he hears Lily in the background._ **

**_"Stop cursing around Harry!! He's going to start talking soon and I'd be very happy if his first words are not fucking shite!! Oh fuck, well there I go..." Lily scolds James and ruffles his hair a bit, kisses Harry on the top of his bald little head and looks into the mirror, "hey there Pads!" She blows a little kiss and then disappears from sight._ **

****

****

The air starts to get cold around him as the memory starts to feel faint. Sirius feels the sudden difference and notices the moisture on the walls start to crystallize. Suddenly James is sitting in front of him. Sirius freezes, staring at the man he called his brother, the man he was just thinking of, the man who should be dead.

"What..." Sirius doesn't know what to say. "You...are you real?"

"Of course, I'm real. I've come to help you, Padfoot. I've come to talk you through all of this." James says with a smirk on his face.

"Really?" Sirius asks desperately, with a faint smile. Unsure if he was actually this lucky.

James begins to laugh menacingly. Sirius' smile quickly fades.

"You think...?" James bursts out laughing harder as Sirius waits, not knowing what to do. His knees instinctively move closer to his chest as he sits on the floor, looking around the cell for an answer. He wraps his arms around his knees, gripping his elbows, feeling hurt and confused as James continues. "You think I would help you? After you got me killed. Killed my wife. Turned my only son into an orphan. You think I consider you a brother anymore, let alone a friend?"

"But it...it wasn't me. It wasn't my fault. It was Peter!!" Sirius is desperate for James to forgive him.

"Yes, it may have been Peter who’d betrayed us, but it was your doing! I wanted you to be secret keeper, but you refused. Is it because you never truly cared about us? Or is it because you're a coward? I'm sure that's it."

"NO!!" Sirius yells. "Please!!"

James leans forward, "You only ever cared about yourself. We've all known, this whole time. You deserve everything that's about to happen to you. And I can't wait to watch every single piece of your soul fade away until you become nothing. A shell of the shite wizard you grew up to become."

Sirius desperately hugs his knees on the floor. Water from his tears start to pool up underneath him and begin to freeze on the floor. "I never meant for any of this." He cries out hoping James will forgive him, he always forgave Sirius. "I trusted the wrong person is all."

Suddenly Sirius heard Peter's voice in the place of James'. "How could you? How could you trust me over Remus?" Peter says with a smug smile on his face. "You never were the smart one of our group; always self-conscious, easy to take advantage of, if you know where to poke the right holes. And boy, did I?"

Rage starts to overtake Sirius and he thrusts at the other man in his cell. He flies through Peter and hits his head on the wall. Peter laughs. "I'm not really here, in this cell. You really are stupid. What did Remus ever see in you? He was probably using you just like James was. Just like I did."

Sirius is breathing hard with his hands still against the wall. He lets them start to fall to his side and turns towards Peter as he leans against the wall next to him. "Do you even recall the memory you were thinking of before James and I showed up?"

Sirius starts to think about the memory. It's only a blur in his mind. He's sure it had something to do with James and Harry, but he can't quite remember it. His hand reaches out as if he was trying to grasp at the memory. It felt so close, yet unattainable. Peter is suddenly gone and the cold starts to slip away.

"Well, I think that went fairly well."

Sirius whips around, to look for the familiar voice behind him. "Regulus?"

"Can you imagine? Me... here?" he wipes a finger on the wall and looks at it... "well, I'm positive that if I were real, I'd be disgusted."

"So, you aren't real either. What are you here to say? It's my fault you died as well?" Sirius barks out. He did feel guilty that his brother went missing. He should have been a better big brother. 

"Don't you feel it?" Regulus says, looking to Sirius as if it's all so obvious. "Oh, come on...haven't you figured it out yet?"

Sirius looks confused, he feels beaten down and sore from crying so hard. "I'm not exactly in the right state to be figuring anything out right now, I think." It is definitely easier on his emotions, he thinks, talking to his annoying little brother. "Well are you going to tell me or are you just here to keep me company?"

"A little bit of both, I suppose. You felt the cold wash over you earlier?" Sirius nodded. "Good so some of your senses are still working. And that is when James showed up?" Sirius nods again. "And then James mentioned Peter and poof" Regulus uses both of his hands to make a dramatic gesture, "there he was. Insulting you, making you feel like shite."

"It was...the Dementors." Sirius makes the realization and Regulus begins to slowly clap.

"Well done big brother."

"But the cold has gone. So, you...are here? You're a ghost?"

Regulus' face turns to an annoyed state and he rolls his eyes. "No, you git. I'm you!"

Sirius' head shifts back as his eyes grow larger and he lifts his hand up to his chin to begin to stroke the minuscule beard he's got growing. "You...are...me?"

"You couldn't handle what James and Peter were saying to you. So, you created me. I'm a piece of your subconscious to help you deal with the trauma."

"So, I created you with magic?" Sirius asks.

"Not really, now you've got to be careful, asking too many questions. I only know what you do..."

"Great, so I've just gone mad is all...That's just wonderful."

"You may be mad, but at least you've got someone to talk to when it gets worse." Regulus replies.

"It's only been one day and it's already so," he stops to grunt, trying to find the words to describe the pain "...how can it get worse?" and then panic sets into Regulus' face. Sirius notices and starts to panic, feeling the cold return.

"Are you going to protect me then?" Sirius grasps for Regulus as he begins to fade away. "REG!!!"

"You're not strong enough to keep him here."

Sirius' face flushes as he stares at the wall where Regulus had just been. He hears Remus' voice, but he doesn't want to turn around. He desperately wants to see his lover's face, but he knows it isn't really Remus. Just the sound of his voice is starting to make Sirius feel safe. Maybe he won't be too harsh. 'We were in love,' he thinks, 'what could he possibly say?' He's trying to convince himself to turn around, to get a glimpse of the man he loves.

"Aren't you going to look at me Sirius?" Tears are already starting to fall down his cheeks again and he can feel the chill in the air as the tears start to move slower and the air nips at his body under the loose robes. "Don't you miss me? I miss you, Pads. I miss you so much. I know you didn't betray James. Sirius, please look at me. I love you."

Sirius is using all the might he has left to stare at the wall in front of him. His will is starting to fade quickly. He turns slightly, just to get a glimpse. 

He sees Remus standing on the other side of the room. "Come to me Pads. Come here and I'll hold you. I'll make everything better."

Sirius turns and runs to the man on the other side of the room as he holds his arms out desperate for some warmth. For a moment Sirius believes that Remus is there to comfort him and make everything better. That was what Remus always did. No Dementor can change that.

The moment Sirius would have touched Remus, he's thrown back to the other side of his cell. His back is thrust against the cold wet wall of his cell and he slides down feeling the pain down the whole of his body. And Remus is just standing there, laughing at him, just as James did. Sirius begins to sob, staring at his love. "Please, hold me Remus. Please." He begs the specter in front of him to touch him, but he just continues to laugh.

"You think you deserve to be comforted? You left me all alone Sirius. Why should I comfort you when you've taken everything from me? You don't deserve comfort. Your mother was always right about you. You're a failure. Everyone you love ends up dying, or worse. You're just as toxic as the rest of your family. We should have never given you a chance. You were the worst thing that ever happened to me Sirius Black, and that's saying something!!"

Sirius buckles over, his face falling into his knee as he continues to cry and beg for Remus' forgiveness. As he rubs his face on his knee, he can feel his tears starting to scrape his face as they begin to freeze from the cold atmosphere surrounding him. 

Suddenly the cold is gone, and so is Remus. He falls asleep in the same spot that Remus left him, sobbing until he just couldn't stay awake any longer.


	4. The Ones I've Lost

Sirius is awakened by something smacking him square in the face. He jerks up, ready to fight, not even opening his eyes until he is standing, but no one is there. The sound of a door opening, possibly the small door that was built into the larger barred door to his cell, is faint in his memory. He can hear the other doors opening and closing and as he looks down to examine the floor, he sees the remnants of a sandwich lying there. He picks up the pieces of bread, tomato, a sliver of lettuce and what looks like a small slice of turkey. Nowhere near a meal to fill you up for one sitting, let alone the whole days’ worth, but he smiles at even the thought of something filling his belly.

As he takes a bite, he moans as if it were a five-star meal. The bread is hard, the tomato is soggy and the turkey tastes as if it's been sitting in the sun for two weeks. He eats the sandwich so quickly that he doesn't realize at first that Regulus is sitting across from him until he's done with his last bite.

"Oh." Sirius says, as he swallows the last piece of bread and picks up the crumbs from his lap and shoves them into his mouth. "What are you doing here?"

"You were feeling happy when you got that sandwich. The Dementors are going to be all over you." Regulus says as if it was written on the wall in front of him.

"You think?" He's not paying too much attention, still looking for crumbs on the floor.

"The first time they showed up, it was because you were happy. That's what they like...to steal your happy memories."

"You think I'm happy, right now? This was the worst sandwich I've ever eaten, and I've suffered through many a sandwich made by Moony...I wish I could tell him how good they actually were compared to this rubbish."

"You really are an idiot, aren't you?" Regulus says, annoyed at Sirius' reaction.

"And are you not me? Shouldn't you be telling me how wonderful I am? I thought you were here to make me feel better." 

"Not in the slightest." Regulus is very annoyed. "I'm here to help you work things out. And when you are so happy, they will come." 

"I don't think so."

"Oh great, so you're in denial...wonderful. What the bloody hell am I even here for?"

Sirius rolls his eyes and as he looks up to retort, he notices Regulus is gone and feels a slight shiver run down his spine. "No." He expects to see Remus because he had just mentioned him, and he had just woken from a wonderful dream that included him and Remus on a beach that made him very happy.

"Look at you, sitting here eating and having a chat with your brother. How lucky you must feel, to at least be alive." James says and it cuts through Sirius like a knife.

"James?" Sirius looks at his friend and shakes his head. "You aren't James. I know that. You're not real. You're not real."

"Perhaps I am not real. But I am not saying anything that isn't true. I know what you know. I'm only telling you the truth that you are too much of a coward to admit to yourself."

"I'm not a coward!!" He screams which makes James chuckle. 

"Yes, you are. All of the promises you made...broken. Promises you made to Lily and I... you promised Harry that he would never be alone. And now you've broken that promise. You've ruined everyone’s lives. Making you Harry's godfather was the biggest mistake of my life. I should have known you'd run away, ruin everything just like you always do. Coward."

A memory starts to creep into Sirius' mind. He tries to fight against it, but his focus keeps going back to James' accusations. The memory settles into the forefront of his mind.

**_Sirius is staring at Remus as he bounces the baby boy on his knee. Harry's laugh is contagious._ **

****__

__

**_"Sirius are you listening?" James says, trying to get his attention. He shakes his head, trying to focus on what James is saying._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"I'm sorry but is this not the best thing you've ever seen?" He says gesturing towards Remus and Harry still staring at them laughing together. The little noises Remus makes to get a rise out of Harry make Sirius' heart flutter._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Sirius..." James continues trying to get Sirius' attention as he wraps a red and gold scarf around his neck and helps Lily into her long green coat._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Yes, yes. The bottled breast milk is on the second shelf of the fridge and the number to the restaurant is on the pink paper on the door to the fridge and we'll only call when the house is burnt down."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Good" James says at the same time that Lily also responds.  
"WHEN the house is burnt down?" The two laugh as they look at each other._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Don't worry, I'll make sure Harry's in bed on time and no funny business." Remus says as he flips Harry on to his hip and stands up to say goodbye to the Potters for their first night out in over six months. "Just. Enjoy your night out." He says with a smile._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Alright then." Lily says, then turning her attention to her son and her voice getting higher. "Goodbye my little wibbles. Mama's gonna miss you so much. I love you. I love you so much!!" She gives him a few kisses and a smile._ **

**__**

**__**

**_James ruffles what little hair Harry has on his head. "Goodbye my dearest, OH, don't you worry, Papa will always come back." He gives him a kiss as well and they couple head out the door._ **

**__**

**__**

**_Sirius stands next to Remus, who is helping Harry wave goodbye as the Potters get into their cab. Once they've driven off, the two men head back inside._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"You're so good at this." Sirius says to Remus as they both plop onto the couch and Remus smiles at the compliment. "Would you maybe...want one?"_ **

**__**

**__**

**_Remus' eyes grow wide and he stares at Sirius, "Are you asking me if I want to have children someday?"_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Maybe." Sirius looks everywhere in the room but at Remus. He isn't sure he should have asked about kids but he just loved seeing Remus with Harry._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"I think we can definitely do that someday. Although, I'm not sure how to father a little Sirius Black running around."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_Sirius takes a breath and thinks 'Thank Merlin he's thinking of children with me.' "Well let's hope they're more like you than me."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"They?! You want more than one?"_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Oh yes, I want a whole litter, just like you Remus." Sirius says not able to contain his happiness at the topic._ **

**__**

**__**

**_Remus' smile grows and Harry starts to laugh. "I think Harry approves." He says and then turns to Harry and changes his voice to a more childish tone, "Would you like some cousins Harry? Have someone to play with?"_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Well we better get started then. Tonight I say." Sirius says with a wink._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"You know we can't actually have our own babies right?"_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Yes but that doesn't mean we can't still try..." Sirius teases and Remus starts to blush and smile more, which in turn makes Harry laugh and smile more._ **

**__**

**__**

**_Sirius grabs Harry from Remus, "You like seeing uncle Moony smile too, eh? I do too. Isn't he just the most handsome." Harry just so happened to stop laughing at that moment. "Oh no, Harry, you will always be the most handsome, but you know...Moony is attractive in a different way."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Sirius!!"_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"What?" He says to Remus and then directs his attention back to Harry. "You'll understand someday. Not now, but some day."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_Remus just shakes his head and leans over to kiss Sirius on the cheek. "I love you. I can't even begin to tell you how lucky I feel."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_It's Sirius' turn to blush now, "I love you too Moons." Turning to Harry and slightly changing his voice, "and I love you too Prongslette. You'll never have to worry about all the shite we had to. And I’ve told you this before, but you will always be loved, and you'll never be alone." He kisses Harry on the head._ **

**__**

**__**

Sirius realizes that Harry is starting to lose his coloring. He's turning a grayish color.

**_Remus stands up, "I think we should make him a bottle, then it'll be about time to put him down."_ **

**__**

**__**

Remus has also lost a bit of his coloring and his voice sounds faint...then Sirius falls back into reality, he starts to feel the cold that has settled into his bones as the memory that was just in his mind, as clear as glass, has changed into a fog.

"Nooo!" he screams. "Please stop. Please!!" He begs them to stop, James is still sitting there staring at him and shaking his head. 

"Pitiful," was all James said as he faded away and the cold left with him, as well as his memory.


	5. The Ones I've Left Behind

Sirius is in his cell, slowly pacing back and forth. They haven't been fed for a day or two and Sirius is starving. He barely has any muscle left, and he looks down at his bony knees trying to think of something other than food. He hasn't felt the cold for a few weeks now. At least he thinks it's been a few weeks, possibly months but his understanding of time here is horribly skewed. 

He looks to the wall where he has been trying to scrape the number of full moons, he's seen to have some idea of time, and to remember how many moons Remus has had to change by himself. He hears someone coming and he starts to get excited. As soon as he feels the warmth start to build in his chest, he looks for a memory to keep the happiness from building too much. He tries to think of a memory with Peter, those always seem to work. Even the good memories he has of Peter are tainted. It hurts remembering any of them. 

The sound of the guard coming with food is pushed to the back of his mind as he leans against the wall and slides down. He focuses on the scrapes he's made with his fingernails and a memory starts to overtake him, but not the one he expected.

**_"What do you think you're doing?!?!" Walburga says as she looks around his room. She goes to rip a poster of a half naked witch on a motorbike, off of the wall. "Did you use a sticking charm?!" She slaps Sirius across his face. "You are a disgrace to this family!! Do you understand!!" She gives him a wicked smile. "Probably not, since you seem to be an idiot as well!!"_ **

**__**

**__**

**_He had never seen his mother so upset. Her hair is up in a tight bun and her long face is red with anger as she grabs him by his long curls and drags him out of the room. Trailing along behind her long black dress that scrapes the floor is Sirius' body. She pulls him past Regulus, who watches in fear from the inside of his own room, and she tugs him down the stairs, while he cries for her to let him go. "Please mother, I thought it would be funny."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_She never let go of her grip on Sirius' hair until they reached the kitchen. Kreacher was there, he opened the door to the basement and she threw Sirius down the stairs. As he tumbles down, each step bruising different parts of his skin, he cried and heard his mother yell down to him, "If it's so funny, I'm sure it will amuse you for the week that you'll be stuck in the basement!"_ **

**__**

**__**

**_Sirius sat in the darkness of the basement and cried, and thought back to the moment when Peter suggested that he use sticking charms to hang the posters. He was all alone and decided to scrape onto one of the wine barrels they kept in the cold basement, the days he was down there._ **

While thinking of the memory, he remembers that it was Peter who suggested it and it makes him even more angry at his old friend. He curses and then notices the food on the floor. He desperately crawls across the cold, dirty floor to his first meal in days. As he bites into the same old sandwich he has been eating for months, it tastes like heaven.

Although he feels satisfied with the food he has just shoved into his mouth, his mother is still fresh on his mind. He starts to feel the cold tingling against his skin. With the last bite of the turkey sandwich he looks up and there she is.

"Not surprising. I'm getting used to your tricks you know?" Sirius says to his mother, who he knows is a part of him, preyed upon by the Dementors.

"You're just a disappointment. You haven't figured anything out."

"I think I've figured more out than you know. You won't be able to prey upon me for much longer, and you certainly won't do it with my cunt of a mother."

"You are more affected by me than you could possibly know. I can feel your dismay, your shame. I know how you truly feel. Saddened that you couldn't live up to expectations, ashamed of the disappointment to your family."

"You're right, I do feel all of those things. But not this family. Not your family. I am sad and I am ashamed of letting down James and Remus and Lily, but most of all, Harry. I don't care about you at all."

Walburga smiles. "Your denial is buried deep, but it will surface, and when it does, it will break you."

"Sod off, mother."

She does as he demands and disappears. The cold does not leave with her however, and Sirius sits there, alone in his cell, thinking of the family he had left. His father, never really a presence in his life, his mother, a constant threat to it, and his brother, who he did miss deeply. He started to think about how he could have been better. If he could have done anything differently to keep both families, the family he walked away from and the one he'd created at Hogwarts, the one that was ripped away from him.

The thoughts start to weigh on him as he struggles to think of his past without remembering it. Trying to outsmart your own memories however, has come as one of Sirius’ most difficult tasks. He grips his fingernails into his palms as he remembers moments from his childhood, and one moment in particular. He tries to fight against the memory, but it breaks through nonetheless.

**_Sirius is only six years old, his brother only four at the time. They are playing together at the Black family summer house in France. Running along the beach, yelling at Regulus to catch up, he realizes he's not next to him. When he turns around he sees his little brother ten meters back sitting on the sand looking at something. He runs toward him, barefoot, feeling the cool sea breeze blowing against his face and the warm sunshine, creating a perfect balance of temperature and comfort._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Look Sirius, look!!" Regulus sadly says as Sirius approaches him, holding out half of a beautifully colored seashell._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Oh wow Reg!!" Sirius remarks as he sits beside Regulus to inspect the shell. "Why are you so sad about it, it's pretty."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Yes, look!! It changes color!! But...I broke it." He holds up the other half of the shell. "I stepped on it while I was running. I broke it." Regulus looks sad and Sirius grabs the other half of the shell._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"I think you made it better Reg. Look." He holds up the other side of the broken shell. "Now we both have one, two different sides of the same shell. Just like us." He said with a smile that got even bigger when Regulus looked up at him and smiled._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Let's go show mother!!"_ **

**__**

**__**

**_The two boys bounced up and ran towards Walburga, who was in the house reading._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Look mother!! Look what we found." Regulus yells as he bursts into the house, followed by Sirius._ **

**__**

**__**

**_A look of excitement and anticipation filled both boys' demeanors, as their mother inspected the shells and looked at their happy faces, she smiled._ **

One of the only times Sirius can remember his mother smiling. Which made him smile.

**_"Isn't that wonderful. You two play so well together. I'm very proud of you." She kisses Regulus on the forehead, followed by Sirius._ **

Sirius hadn't thought of this memory for so long, he'd almost forgotten that it existed until he realized what was happening. The color of the shell was starting to fade from Sirius' mind, as well as the laughter from the two young boys as they ran back outside. Suddenly, he couldn't remember what he had just been smiling about.

As he tried to remember, he started to give up and a tear fell from his eye, the cold faded away and Regulus arrived.

"You let her manipulate you." Regulus said, sounding disappointed.

"Sometimes I focus too much on the bad times, I forget we had some good times as well."

"Well thinking of any good times isn't going to get you anything but lost memories." Sirius rolls his eyes and quirks his lips to the side as if he's being bothered. "Next time they come you should try changing into Padfoot. They seem not to bother you when you’re a dog."

"I can't just be Padfoot all the time, I'll lose my humanity and then I may be stuck like that forever."

"Well, you'll lose it either way, I suppose. Would you rather lose your humanity and keep your memories or lose your humanity along with your memories.”?

"Who says I can't keep both?"

"I do. Which apparently means you do as well..."

Sirius thinks on this for a moment as Regulus waits. "No. I can't. That’s like giving up and accepting my defeat. I won't lose hope. I won't"

Regulus stares at him, almost believing his words. Sirius looks down, picking at his blistered fingernails. "I can't."


	6. The Innocent

Sirius is sitting in his cell, looking at the tiny window and listening to the other prisoners screaming and crying. He looks at the five scraps on the wall that he's made for the full moon and thinks how little time he's actually been in this cell. It feels like years and yet it's only been months. He knows he's lost more memories than he can count but he mostly tries to focus on memories of Peter that have James, Harry and Remus and even Lily sometimes. He shivers as he thinks back to when lily was one of his only friends.

"Don't do that." Regulus says from the corner opposite.

"I didn't mean to. It's just that...I'm sick of thinking of Peter. How is it that I'm here and my only saving grace is that sodding fuck?!"

"Maybe that is your punishment. Punishment for taking me and my husband away from our only son. Punishment for all the pain you've put Remus through. You don't deserve the good memories Sirius."

Sirius looks up to where Regulus was and now sees Lily Potter. She looks as if she's been crying. 

"I'm sorry Lily. Please don't do this. Please." Sirius barely has the energy to beg, let alone shed any tears, which he knows will probably come soon.

"Well I'm glad to see you're starting to come 'round. Starting to accept what a shite friend you are."

"No. I'm innocent. I didn't do anything." Sirius says more to himself, as if he's talking to a wall, like he's said it a million times and no one is listening.

Lily starts to be very dramatic as she looks out the window. "It's probably my fault. I convinced James to be friends with you again back in sixth year. What a mistake that was. James and Remus probably blamed me for every moment they had to spend with you after that. I'm sure they had so much trouble pretending to be nice, pretending to care about you."

"I know what you're doing."

"It doesn't matter, it will work...I mean," she bends down to look him straight in the face, her green eyes staring straight into his soul, "we only ever pitied you. We became friends with you because we felt bad for you. We talked about it all the time. About how we couldn't stand you." She starts to laugh as a tear fell down his cheek. "I never meant anything I had ever said to you. Never."

The way she said never made a memory flush into his mind, and he was too weak to resist.

**_"Sirius, wait up!" Lily yelled from down the hall. They had just gotten out of transfiguration and James and Remus and Peter were still not talking to Sirius after the "Snape incident," as he'd come to call it. After each class, Sirius would leave as quickly as he could to avoid them. He was still ashamed at what he'd done a few weeks ago. He stops at Lily's voice though, he turns around to see her just catching up to him. "Wow, you really move quickly, don't you?"_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Yes, seems to be my only redeeming quality." Sirius doesn't look her in the face, just stares down at his feet._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Come on, cheer up." She grabs his hair that's falling into his face and plays with it, tugging and making it into little piggy tails while she makes funny noises. He laughs at her attempt to cheer him up. "There we are!! That's better. There's that smile I want to see! Come on, now, let's head to the library so we can do some homework together."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"I'm not in the mood."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"You're never in the mood. Come on."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_Lily tries to tug at his robes but he's distracted by James, Remus and Peter walking by. James isn't giving him a second glance and Peter follows his lead, but Remus...Remus meets his eye and Sirius doesn't know what to do with himself. That one second feels like one hundred years and then, just then, he gave Sirius a tiny smirk of his lips and went on looking at James._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"OOH!! I saw that!!" Lily says, tugging on his robes a little harder. "Come with me." He follows her in the opposite direction as the boys, but she doesn't take him to the library. She takes him to another room that he's never noticed before._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"I've never seen this room before." Sirius says looking closely at the door before going inside. It was a small room with two lounge chairs and blankets and pillows and hot tea sitting on the table in between the chairs. It felt comfortable and safe._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"It's always different when we come here. Marlene found it one time when she was trying to get away from a couple Slytherins trying to bully her. We come in here now when we need to get away and don't want to be bothered. So are we going to talk about that smile Remus just gave you?"_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"He wasn't...he was just being kind. It didn't mean anything."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Didn't you say that he hasn't even looked at you since the day after, when you had that big fight?"_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Yes, but that's just that I haven't seen him looking at me. He could have been looking at me all this time and when I finally saw him, he felt awkward. He smiles like that when he feels awkward. That's just how Remus is." Sirius says solemnly._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"You stop that Sirius Black! I know that look. You forget that I'm quite good friends with Remus as well, I know that look. He's ready to forgive you."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Don't do that to me Lil. You're going to give me hope...and hope is not good for me right now."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"What!? HOPE is exactly what you need right now!"_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"To get it ripped away from me, you mean? So I have nothing left of myself but memories of Remus and James and Pete being my friends."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Well your flair for the dramatic sure has escalated." Sirius laughs at this, which lets Lily know she's on the right track. "I think you do have hope, you just don't want to admit it. I think that smile he just gave you, made you happier than you've been in weeks, maybe even months. Especially because it's..."Lily stops talking abruptly and covers her mouth._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Because it's what?" Sirius seems intrigued now, as he leans forward, holding the hot cup of tea._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Nothing."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Tell me." Lily shakes her head. "Evaaaaans."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"I don't know if you know, and I don't want to make you feel weird." She says, crumpling her face._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"I'm at my lowest point, I don't think there's anything you can say to make me feel worse." He gives her his best, 'tell me now' look, the same one his mother used when she wanted information._ **

**__**

**__**

**_She decides to speak very fast. "Because it's obvious...ThatYouLikeRemus." She pursed her lips and waited for his response._ **

**__**

**__**

**_Sirius let out a huge breath, and chuckled awkwardly, "I don't...LIKE Remus...What...are...you" Looking at Lily's face, he realizes anything he says will be moot. "Wow. Is it that obvious?"_ **

**__**

**__**

**_Lily nods, "if it helps, I think he likes you too."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Maybe he used to..." Sirius shakes his head._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Look Sirius, I know that it's tough right now, you're alone and you feel like you made a big mistake, which you did, but they are your best mates, and they will forgive you. James is only angry because he's protecting Remus and Peter is just following what James is doing. As soon as Remus decides to forgive you, everything will go back to normal. I know it."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"You really think so?"_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Friendships like that don't just fade away, never."_ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Never?" Sirius asks, hopeful and letting his feelings show, because she was right, this was the happiest he'd felt in months._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"Never." She states and gives him a big bear hug that made him feel safe. In this moment all he thought was how Lily was his only friend in the world right now and he was so grateful for her._ **

**__**

**__**

**_When he pulled back from the hug,_** Lily's hair didn't look red anymore.

"NO!! NOOOO! Lily. Lily. The moment we became friends. Lily. She made me...what did she make me? No." Sirius tried desperately to keep the memory, but it faded away. He looked around the cell and he was alone. Sirius curled up in the corner after changing to Padfoot.


	7. The Guilty

As the footsteps of the guard came closer, Padfoot changed back into Sirius. He was spending as little time as he could in his human form, trying desperately to contain his most precious of memories. Mostly only in his human form for rounds and sleeping, he’s figured out when the Dementors like to attack and he makes sure that he is in his animagus form at those particular moments. He stares up at the marks he’s made on the wall. There are nine marks and as he looks out of the pinhole of a window he has in his cell, he knows he’ll have to make a new mark tonight.

Thoughts of what Remus is doing at this moment flood his mind; how lonely he must be, how angry and sad, probably thinking it’s what he deserved. Remus never thought he deserved anything when in reality, Sirius knew better. Remus deserved everything, and he had hoped to be the one to give it to him.

Sirius is starting to feel like there are no more tears left for him to cry, when a small sandwich hits him in the side of the face. He looks over at the guard, who seems amused. At least the guard didn’t throw his water. Sirius started to pick up the pieces of turkey, lettuce and tomato to reconstruct the meal he has come to loathe like no other. He slides himself over toward the cup of water that the guard had set through the bars of his cell.

“It really is a shame that no one but me gets to see you this way.”

Sirius sighs. It’s been a while since he’s let the Dementors invade his conscience and he wasn’t feeling the courage to fight at the moment.

“You're a sorry excuse for a friend. Horrible son. Terrible godfather. Failure in all counts. And look at that, another full moon that Remus is all alone for...thanks to you.”

“Sod off, Peter.” Sirius says in a low but surprisingly demanding tone.

“Everything we did for him. And you left him all alone. He must be wondering if you ever even loved him.” Peter said with a smugness that boiled a rage inside of Sirius.

“He knows.” Sirius says trying to focus more on his sandwich than Peter.

“Or he knew.” Sirius looks up at Peter who is just leaning against the wall looking out the window.

“What do you mean ‘knew’?”

“Well, there have been ten full moons since you were taken away. For all you know…he could be dead. He probably ripped himself to shreds at the pain of losing James and Lily. Ripped himself to shreds. Hmph.”

“No!” 

Sirius drops his food and stumbles to stand up. He’s lost almost all of his muscle mass and from having only one meal a day, Sirius is extremely frail as he struggles to meet Peter’s eye. 

“He’d been changing alone for longer than he’d been changing with us. He could handle it! He’s strong!!”

“No Sirius. We made him weak. We took that strength from him. We coddled him and then we left him. He couldn’t handle it. Especially knowing it was the person he trusted the most who betrayed him.”

“I didn’t. He’ll know. He’ll figure it out and he’ll get me out of here.”

“Don’t you remember the things I said to you about him? Don’t you think I said the same things to him?” Peter smiled as Sirius is starting to remember how Peter planted seeds of mistrust in their relationship for almost a year. He slides down the wall for assistance to sit back down. “In the end, he trusted you just as much as you trusted him.” Peter knelt down to look Sirius in the eyes, “well, I guess he’s feeling justified now…if he’s even alive.”

Sirius didn’t think he had any more tears in him but he felt one roll down his cheek as the icy chill in the room seems to get colder. He grips at his prison robes and grunts slowly, lightly and it starts to build, getting louder until he knows the other inmates can hear his pain. He is screaming so loud he thought his lungs may give out, which he isn’t sure if he cares.

“Just think, all of the work we put in, all of those years working on becoming animagi and all for him to be alone in the end. He never really appreciated it anyway.”

“NO!!” Sirius started to yell but the memory found its way to the forefront of his mind.

**_“Alright…you sit there.” James said to Remus as he placed him on the edge of Sirius’ bed. He only looked this excited when Evans gave him attention and Remus was excited to see what new prank they’d have planned and that he’d probably need to fix up._ **

****__

__

**_“Okay, but if my toes turn pink again, I’m not having any part of it.” Remus says, mostly joking as Peter and Sirius both have smug looks on their faces._ **

**__**

**__**

**_James puffs out his chest, “wait…did you want to go first?” He asks Sirius._ **

**__**

**__**

**_Sirius is aglow with excitement, it’s radiating off of him. He had been nursing a secret crush on Remus for a few months now and once he’d found out what his animagus form was, he knew they were meant to be. “No. No. Save the best for last.” He wiggles, trying to contain his excitement._ **

**__**

**__**

**_“Alright. I’ll go, then you Pete.” James looks at Peter who nods in agreement._ **

**__**

**__**

**_“Will you birds just get on with it already!!” Remus yells as he leans back onto the bed leaning on his elbows. James gives him his classic mischievous smirk and suddenly he’s gone, and in his place is a giant stag. Remus’ face goes from anticipation to sheer shock as he pushes himself off of the bed slowly, not once taking his eyes off of the giant stag that presumably is James. His mouth falls open and he stands to reach out and touch the stags’ antlers._ **

**__**

**__**

**_“My turn!” Peter exclaims and suddenly he disappears out of Remus’ sight. Remus whips his head to find a rat in the same spot Peter was just standing._ **

**__**

**__**

**_"What…what is this?” Remus says, amazed at what was happening before him._ **

**__**

**__**

**_“We’ve been working on it, practicing, and we didn’t tell you so you wouldn’t get your hopes up. But we all learned how to become animagi.” Sirius says as he steps closer to Remus, enjoying the moment of just the two of them, even though the stag and the rat were still in the room. He did like to make an entrance though._ **

**__**

**__**

**_“And what are you? A penguin?” Remus jokes and Sirius pushes him back onto the bed. As Remus’ head bounces back and he starts to lift himself up, he’s pushed back down by the weight of a big black dog. “NO WAY!!” The dog begins to lick Remus’ smiling face and Remus starts petting him behind the ear and Sirius, as any dog would do, indulges in it, laying down and exposing his belly. Remus gets the message and starts rubbing his belly. The pitch of his voice completely changes, “Oh you’re a good boy aren’t you?! Yes you are. Good boy!!” Sirius is ecstatic in this moment. He’s never felt so comfortable, so safe, so free._ **

**__**

**__**

**_“Well, I think I’m a bit more impressive, but you know dog’s do stick together I guess.” James jokingly says as he sits next to Remus and starts to pet the dog._ **

**__**

**__**

**_“You were impressive, but,” his pitch changes back to the same one he used earlier, “look how cute he is!!” The dog sits up, with his ears perked at this, “Oh you like that, do you?” The dog nods his head as his tail begins to wag tremendously. Remus cannot keep the huge grin from his face and gives him one more stroke behind the ears. Suddenly he’s holding Sirius’ face and they’re only centimeters apart. “OH.” Sirius smiles, not able to tear his gaze away from those beautiful hazel eyes._ **

**__**

**__**

**_“Are you…are you about to cry, Remus?” Peter says as he leans against a post on Sirius’ four poster bed._ **

**__**

**__**

**_“Remus, don’t cry.” Sirius holds his hand up to Remus’ face and holds his stare for only a second longer before Remus bursts off of the bed._ **

**__**

**__**

**_“This is a lot. I’m sorry. But…you…you all did this for me?” Remus says trying to fight off the tears._ **

**__**

**__**

**_“Of course. So you don’t have to be alone anymore. Werewolves will kill humans but not animals. So we’ve been working on this ever since we found out.” James says casually like this isn’t the biggest gesture Remus has ever received in his entire life._ **

**__**

**__**

**_“That was. You found out, beginning of second year.” All three boys nod their heads. “It’s beginning of fifth! You’ve been working on this for three years?!” Sirius stands to join Remus as he paces in the room._ **

**__**

**__**

**_“Are you…”Sirius couldn’t finish his sentence because Remus wrapped him up in a hug and gestured his hand toward the other two boys so they could join. Peter pushed himself away from the bed and hugged Remus and Sirius._ **

**__**

**__**

**_James climbed up on the bed and jumped onto the boys creating a dog pile where they just decided to start wrestling. As Sirius remembers the feeling of having Remus pinned underneath him he starts to feel it fade and when he looks into Remus’ eyes the little green specs start slowly disappearing._ **

**__**

**__**

Sirius changes quickly into Padfoot. He stares up at Peter who is still standing there, staring. He looks around the room as if Sirius had just vanished and then the cold starts to dissipate.

“I thought I didn't need you. but I do.

I lost another memory.

I can't remember." He stares off into the compact walls of his cell, struggling to feel any emotion.  
Regulus suddenly appears and although he sits next to Sirius, unable to touch him, he just sits there trying his best to console him.

Sirius’ hands grasp for warmth, for comfort, for anything but when his fingers only knead through the cold air, he’s reminded again, just how truly alone he is.


	8. The Broken

Padfoot lays curled up in the corner of his cell, his face is tucked deep into his side trying to keep his nose warm. The wailing from the other prisoners has become something of a sign to the big black dog. He hears it and knows the Dementors are making their rounds, sucking the life force out of every being they could find.

His left ear perks up, the footsteps of the guard are coming closer. He knows he should change back, but he can’t bring himself to do it. If they find out he’s an animagus, what new horrors could they introduce to him? How could they punish him more than he’s already been struggling through this past year.

“They cannot know about your animagus form.” Regulus appears, desperately nagging him to change into Sirius Black. “They're coming. --You thought you could handle the Dementors and look at what's happened!” The dog looks up and sees the marks he’s scraped into the wall, fourteen marks now.

He changes just in time. He looks broken. He has the look of a man who has lost everything. He barely has the will to eat. Sirius swats at his food, pulling it towards him so that he could grasp it but his strength fails him as he falls to his side and curls up next to the turkey and lettuce sandwich.

“Why can’t I just die, Reg? Why can’t it just be over?”

“I’m asking myself the same questions.” Remus has suddenly appeared in front of him.

He looks up with dread at the sound of his voice. A sigh escapes his lips as he tries to hold himself together but he has missed Remus throughout all of this so much. Missing his warmth and his gentle, loving caress, Sirius crawls toward the other man, letting himself believe that Remus was here with him.

“Please. Please touch me. I need you to touch me.” He cries out as he goes to grab Remus’ robes he falls straight through and scrapes his shoulder against the concrete floor. He picks up the sandwich that lays on the floor next to him and throws it against the wall with all of the strength he has left. “I don’t want to forget anymore. Please. Please.” Sirius’ face scrunches up as he tries to deal with the anger and pain he’s feeling.

“And why should I do anything for you? You left me alone.” Remus says. Sirius has never heard Remus sound so cold.

“I love you. I’ll always love you. I never meant for any of this to happ-”

“LOVE ME?! You never loved me! That is why you are here in the first place! Because you didn’t trust me, because you never loved me. You only ever loved yourself.”

“I’m innocent! I didn’t…”

“I don’t give a shite what you think! You didn’t trust me and now you’re paying for it with your life and your happiness. And that is the only thing that gives me relief.”

“I’m innocent. I’m innocent…” He keeps repeating his new mantra as he rocks back and forth, eyes gripped tightly shut. Suddenly he hears a familiar voice.

“It’s alright Sirius. Keep focusing on that. Your innocence. Focus on it!” Regulus is in the cell with him now, but he’s too afraid to open his eyes to check if Remus is gone. "This was not your fault, Sirius.”

As Sirius rocks begin to slow, he opens his eyes but he is alone. He looks around for Regulus, he even calls out for him but no one comes. He can still feel the icy air and knows the Dementors are still roaming near. He tries to focus on a memory of Peter.

**_Peter sits down in the cracking booth across from Sirius. The bar is not as packed, since it was a Tuesday night, but it was still noisy. He curled into himself as Pete normally does when he’s feeling uncomfortable._ **

**_“Is everything alright Wormtail?” Sirius asks, genuinely concerned. In times of war, you never know what horrors someone else has seen. They had been told not to discuss missions with anyone, even spouses, which made it more difficult to help each other through these difficult times._ **

**_“I don’t know. I feel like I can’t trust anyone. Even…nevermind.” Peter looks down and away as if he were ashamed._ **

It’s hard, looking back now, not to notice how obvious he was. The lies and deception were written all over his face,’ Sirius thinks as he plays the memory in his mind. 

**_“What? You can tell me Pete.” Sirius leans in closer so that no one else could hear their conversation._ **

**_“I can’t. Especially to you.”_ **

**_“You don’t think it’s me?”_ **

**_“No never! It’s just…” He shakes his head. “No. I can’t. It wouldn’t even make sense…except that…No it just can’t be!”_ **

**_“Peter, you’re starting to scare me. What is going on?”_ **

**_“No.” Peter sits there in his resolve, yet with a look of uncertainty creeping upon his face._ **

**_“I won’t tell anyone. Not even James. Come on. You can trust me.”_ **

**_“I know that I can trust you Pads. I know. In fact, you may be the only one I can trust.”_ **

**_Sirius' face goes pale as he considers what that statement means. What about James? Remus? Lily? Sirius thinks about his next words carefully. “I won’t tell. I solemnly swear.”_ **

**_Peter looks up at him, shifting his eyebrows up and Sirius nods. “Even Remus?”_ **

**_“I’ll even keep it from Remus. I swear to you Peter.”_ **

**_Sirius scoots even closer, almost coming off of the edge of the booth he was sitting in. He rubbed his hands together, looking for something to do with his hands as he waited in anticipation._ **

**_“Okay. okay.” Peter looks around the bar as if Remus was going to pop out at any moment. “I’ve just been noticing some weird behavior from Remus recently. And…Marlene…you can’t tell anyone, don’t even mention it to Marlene because I promised her I wouldn’t tell anyone. Please Sirius, please.” There was true fear in his voice._ **

**_“I promise, what happened?”_ **

**_“Marlene saw Remus in Knockturn Alley and he was,” he looks around the room once more, “he was exchanging something with Antonin Dolohov.”_ **

**_Sirius laughs. “Marlene must be mistaken. Remus hates Dolohov, he scrunches his face every time he hears his name. Dolohov was the one who broke Remus’ rib in third year.”_ **

**_“What about when he disappeared for a week, last month?”_ **

**_“He was on a mission for Dumbledore.”_ **

**_“That’s what he said…”_ **

**_“Pete, Remus is not the spy.”_ **

**_Peter looks down at his lap and then looks back up to Sirius. “I talked with Dumbledore…about that mission. Dumbledore said it was a three day mission. So where was he the rest of the time?”_ **

Sirius thinks about the memory. It was one he had used a few times already to get rid of the Dementors. This was the moment he started to doubt Remus. The beginning of the end. 

“That’s it,” Regulus’ voice runs through him like a chill, “Focus on your innocence, brother.”  
Sirius shakes the chill off but then realizes Regulus is gone and now James is standing there. 

“Brother? What a brother you are? You got both of us killed. You don't even know what happened to Reg, and here you are using him as your conscience…I never thought you could be any more selfish, but then again, you managed to get me killed as well.” 

“No.” Sirius buries his face in his hands. 

“I regret ever calling you my brother. You’re just a selfish, arrogant fuck. Not worthy of any love or devotion.” James speaks with disgust in his voice and Sirius falls into another memory. 

**_Sirius and James are sitting at James’ kitchen table in Godric’s Hollow. The shiny red table glistens as James leans forward and takes hold of his beer bottle. Sirius is leaning his head to the side as he watches Lily take Remus upstairs to discuss nursery room decorations._ **

**_“I can’t believe you guys are going to have a baby. This is…” Sirius rubs his hand up and down his bottle, trying to wrap his mind around the news they were just given by the Potters._ **

**_“I know.” James says, nervous about how their lives are about to change._ **

**_“We’re grown...adults.”_ **

**_“Mmhm…” James takes a swig from his bottle._ **

**_“Responsibility and all that.”_ **

**_“Well, actually, there is one more thing we wanted to talk to you about.”_ **

**_“Oh yeah? What’s that?” Sirius leans back in his chair, balancing on the back two legs of the chair and finishing off his beer._ **

**_“We want you to be godfather.” James says smiling nervously._ **

**_Sirius’ chair crashes forward, sitting on all four legs now._ **

**_“You want...me? Not Moony?”_ **

**_“Of course it’s you, Pads. You’re my brother. How could it be anyone else?”_ **

**_“But Remus is more...you know” Sirius starts to feel as though one million thoughts are racing through his mind but he can’t focus on any of them._ **

**_“Well you two are a bit of a package deal now. I just, I know you’ll be the best for the job. We love you Sirius. No one could love this kid more.”_ **

**_A wave of emotions rush through Sirius. Someone thinks he’s worthy. Someone thinks he can do something right. Someone trusts him with the most important thing they will have in their life. Of course this is nothing new for Sirius. James has made him feel this way before, as well as Remus and Peter and Lily but everytime it happens, it feels like the first time. A reminder that he isn’t worthless like his mother would have him believe. He’s chosen the right path and he is so thankful for the reminder that James is giving him in this moment._ **

**_“Besides Lils and I, of course.” James smirks and tilts his head waiting for Sirius’ answer. “So?”_ **

**_Relief suddenly washes over Sirius. James always knew just what to say. “Of course! OH of course I will! James!”_ **

**_The two men stand up and hug._ **

The hug starts to feel empty and Sirius changes to Padfoot as quickly as he realizes his mistake but it’s too late. The big black dog sniffs at the air but can only smell the vast ocean that is right outside his window. He curls up in the middle of his cell with his head resting on his paws and looks at the walls that feel as though they’re closing in, and he sighs. 


	9. Chapter 9

The footsteps of the guard are getting closer. Padfoot has figured out just the right moment to turn so that the guard doesn’t see him and just the right moment to turn back. The guard sets down a glass of water and a sandwich. Sirius stares at the guard as the sandwich flops down, contents falling onto the infested floor. 

As he begins to walk to the next cell, Regulus appears.  
"You can't stay a dog forever." He says, leaning against the moldy cell wall with his arms crossed and his hair swishing back and forth from the sea breeze.  


"I'm going to have to, if I don't want any more of my memories to be taken." Sirius grabs at the sandwich, knocking off a cockroach that seemed just as desperate for food as Sirius.  


"But you'll lose your humanity."  


"Maybe, but I'll lose it either way, remember. And weren't you the one who wanted me to change in the first place?" Sirius takes a bite of the turkey and winces at the taste.  


“You forget, dear brother, that I am not your brother. I am you. You are here, sitting in a cell, alone, talking to yourself.”

“Then what the fuck am I supposed to think? hmm? What am I supposed to do? Stay human or stay a dog?”  


Regulus uncrosses his arms to raise his hands towards Sirius, “You’re getting a little too upset.” Sirius doesn’t seem to understand his caution.  


“Aren’t you supposed to be helping me?! Aren’t you supposed to be making it better? I don’t know what to do! How am I supposed to save my humanity? That’s all I want, Regulus! I want to feel again. That’s all I want. I would give up everything, just to feel a sliver of happiness for just a moment.”  


“Happiness? Were you ever happy?” Remus is now standing where Regulus stood.  


“Yes.”  


“How do you know? Do you even remember?” Remus sounds like he cares. Like he’s trying to empathize with Sirius. He kneels down to get on Sirius’ level and looks at him with sharp amber eyes that give the appearance of affection.  


“You won’t do this. You won’t trick me like this.” Sirius can’t help but look at Remus. He misses him more than anything, but he knows better than to be tricked into thinking this Remus cares for him at all.  


“I’ve been doing this to you for over a year now. You think you’re suddenly stronger than the first day you stepped foot on this island? You think you’re stronger than me?”  


“Yes. I do.”  


Remus laughs and only shakes his head in response.  


“Because I’m human. I’ve loved and I’ve been loved and I’ll never forget that. Never.”  


“We’ll see.” Remus says and stands up to head towards the window.  


“So, Sirius,” Remus says, sounding again like he cares at all, “do you ever think we’ll be there someday?”  


Sirius’ eyes shoot up to look at Remus who is gazing lovingly down at Sirius as he consumes his meal off of the floor. A memory takes over before Sirius can stop it.  


**_The sound of Remus flopping down on their bed is heard all the way into the bathroom, where Sirius is brushing his teeth.  
_**

**_“I can’t believe they’re finally engaged.” Remus yells from the bed.  
Sirius spits out the toothpaste still in his mouth as he rinses off his toothbrush. “I know. Remember when she told him she’d rather date the squid.”  
_ **

**_As Sirius rinsed he could hear Remus laughing and he smiled. Remus’ laugh always brought him joy, it was so pure, so infectious.  
_ **

**_“I suppose the squid’s taken then, eh?” Remus replied as Sirius walked out of the bathroom and jumped onto the bed, propelling Remus slightly into the air. “Merlin, Sirius. How old are we?”  
_ **

**_“Sorry, I’m in a good mood. Mum.”  
_ **

**_“Please don’t refer to me as mum. Especially with your experience with mums.” Remus reaches out to run his fingers through Sirius’ curls. They stare into each others eyes for a moment and just as Sirius smiles, about to tell Remus how in love he is, Remus says something first.  
_ **

**_“Do you ever think we’ll be there someday?”  
_ **

**_Sirius felt a little shocked by this. Being gay was still stigmatized in the wizarding community. There were certain supporters, sure, but he’d never even considered that someday they would be able to even go out in public as more than mates, let alone the werewolf laws against it.  
_ **

**_“Is that what you want? To be married?”  
_ **

**_Remus shrugs, “I know we probably can’t do it officially, but...I love you and I just wish I could tell everyone, ‘I’m married to Sirius Black!  
HAHA I won!’ you know?”  
_ **

**_Sirius throws his head back in laughter. He reaches forward and grabs Remus to pull him into a kiss. “I love you. So much, I just. You think marrying me would be a win?” His smile still plastered on his face, like it will never leave._ **

**_Remus, who also has the grin of the century, according to Sirius, plastered on his face, chuckles a bit, “Of course.” He runs a hand up and down Sirius’ side. “You’re my man. My partner. My best mate. And I’m proud of that.”  
_ **

**_Sirius’ eyes start to water and he leans in for another more passionate kiss. He takes his time to enjoy it but starts to realize he can’t taste Remus anymore. He can’t feel his soft, tender lips._**  


Sirius is sitting in his cell, as he looks around he sees Remus standing by the window with a smug smirk on his face.  


“I was never happy. It was all a lie, Sirius, pretend, a fake, just like you.”  


Before his eyes Lily Potter suddenly appears in Remus’ place. Her red hair shined from the light peeking into the cell like fire and her piercing green eyes felt like they were analyzing every insecurity he had ever had.  


“You are a wonderful liar Sirius, even better than Remus. You even convinced me to give James a chance, and look how that turned out. I’m dead now. Gone and it’s all your fault.”  


“It wasn’t my fault. I am innocent.”  


“Are you?” Her voice cut through him like a knife. He had to remind himself that this was not Lily. She knew that Peter was the one who betrayed them. “Are you sure you didn’t make all of that up in your head to cope with your guilt?”  


Sirius didn’t even want to respond. He knew what she was trying to do. Trying to make him emotional. He pulled his knees close to his chest and gripped the cup of water like a lifeline. He tried to focus on it, the way it moves fluidly around the rim of the cup. The shapes the water took as it moved around the cup as he moved his hand. The canyon like dips it made if he moved too harshly. The drops that fell onto his lap, he stared hard at the water as if it was the only thing in the world that could save him from his insanity.  


“Listen to me, Sirius!”  
He didn’t stray his eyes for a second.  


“Fine. This is how you want to be. Selfish. Not a surprise. We should have never made you Harry’s godfather. You were too selfish, even James knew that you couldn’t handle it. And now because of you, Harry has been abandoned. In the foster system, left to be abused and unloved. Hmmm, he’ll grow up just as you did. Alone. And unloved. Maybe that was your goal this whole time, to make everyone feel just as unwanted as you.”  


Sirius’ left eye twitches as he tries to fight off the memory but it slips through. He was weak.  


**_Sirius is sitting on the Potters’ bright orange couch, rubbing his thumbs together. He looks over to Remus who is sitting next to him, rocking back and forth and doesn't look to be focused on anything in particular. Peter was pacing back and forth in the living room and the quiet seemed to be louder than any sound he’d ever heard. It was almost debilitating as they waited. Suddenly James appeared out of the bedroom and Peter stopped in his tracks, eyes wide. Remus and Sirius stood simultaneously but froze in their places, waiting for James to give them permission to step forward and meet the newest Marauder.  
_ **

**_“Boys. This is Harry James Potter.” James says with the most gleeful look on his face. Holding the most precious thing in the world, his grip seemed so delicate but yet stronger than he had ever grasped anything in his life. “Sirius, do you want to hold your godson?”  
_ **

**_Sirius stepped forward, slowly, trying not to make a sound as he stepped towards James and Harry. As Sirius looked at Harry he scrunched up his face, “is he okay?”  
_ **

**_James laughs, “Yes, that’s what babies look like when they come out...apparently. Don’t worry, I asked the same thing.”  
_ **

**_He reaches out and then pulls back, “what if I...hurt him?”  
_ **

**_“It’ll be fine. Here.” James gestures the newborn towards Sirius as he reaches out to grab the child. He embraces Harry in his arms and he looks up at Sirius with Lily's gorgeous green eyes and Sirius has fallen in love. Just like that.  
_ **

**_“I’m going to love you more than anything in this whole wide world. Do you know that Harry? You are going to be so loved.” He reaches down and gives him a soft kiss on his forehead. “We’re going to spoil the shite out of you.” Sirius says laughing and he hears James and Remus join him but he can’t take his eyes off this beautiful baby. He hears Remus asking about Lily and James confirms that everything went perfectly and that she was giving a sleeping potion so that her body could rest. And then Harry started to look even more grey._**  


“NOOOO!!” Sirius screams at the top of his lungs and suddenly doesn’t realize why. He knows another memory must be gone but he doesn’t know which one. He looks up and sees Regulus kneeling down in front of him.  


“Your innocence is what will keep you going. Change and when you are not a dog, focus on the innocence.” Regulus’ voice starts to sound as if it was being ripped away.  


“I can't. I've seen the ones I've loved, the ones I've lost, and the ones I've left behind. They’re all a part of me and yet I can barely remember how they fit in.”  


Regulus is gone and James is the one kneeling in front of him. His eyes meet Sirius’ but the love that used to be there is gone. James looks at Sirius like an enemy, like he was the Dark Lord himself.  
“And you'll get what you deserve Sirius Black. You will fade away in here for the rest of your godforsaken life. You deserve every moment of despair and shame that you feel.”  


Sirius shakes his head but he can’t even find the strength to change into Padfoot. Can’t find the strength to fight back or the courage to defend himself against this man who he knew had loved him. Had trusted him.  


“Take them then. Take them all. I don’t want any of it anymore.” Despair bleeding out of the tone in his voice, Sirius is done fighting. He’s done hoping.

He looks up, feeling a bit of whiplash as he looks around. Only a second ago the sun was beaming through his window but the sunlight has transformed into moonlight. As he looks around he notices that his sense of smell seems stronger and the colors of the walls have changed and when he looks down, he sees his paws. His animal instinct must have taken over. He lets his legs buckle and he falls to the floor. With his ears hanging low, he looks up at the full moon through his porthole sized window and like a man who has accepted his fate, he can't even find the urge to howl at it.


End file.
